Ridiculous things that have been said to me at notjob

so I have been working for a while not and I just wanted to list a couple of the most ridiculous things that have been said to me by my coworkers:

• “What? You are 23 and you don’t have kids?”
• “You learned to fold so fast! It took me like 3 weeks to figure that out.”
• “Have you had plastic surgery? Your lips look like Angelia Jolie!”

I have more to say about the whole issue, just not at the moment.

Field Report – Texas

More stories of notemployeds and seminotemployeds are coming in. I like this one from the lonely star state of Texas.

This is John reporting in from Texas.

Ironically, I came upon this blog while searching for a job. It seems that google now routinely diverts searches such as “how to cope with moving back in with mom ,” “earn money from home,” and “is there more to life than economic success” to websites such as the suicide hotline,  craigslist personals offering sex for money, and this blog.

Despite my seemingly desperate google searches, they have led me here and I have found the combined misery of my notemployed and seminotemployed brethren to be therapeutic.

There is also another perk to google’s misguidance. I have learned how to make money from sex without having any (which of course, I am not. It isn’t easy to get the girl when you are notemployed).  Yes, that’s right, apparently you can blackmail people by threatening to go public with photo-shopped pics and a convincing story regarding your “encounter” with said person.  For example, I could email Nick Nolte (this is just an example, I swear) and say “hey Nick, I have pictures of the “encounter” we had while you were on drugs .  Send me 50 grand or I’ll go public.”  Nick Nolte would then either send me $50,000 cash money or face the possibility of yet another embarrassing public scandal involving date rape drugs.

Anyway, I have integrity and would never do that to Nick or Bill Gates or Paris Hilton or any other human, but the idea is an interesting one.

So, all that to say, if you have a job available in TX that doesn’t involve extortion please let me know.

John, when you contact Nick, please tell him that I also have some embarrassing pics from his last trip to DC and they are going up in next weeks “Who’s worse off than me” post if he doesn’t pony up.

Put it on the map!

hey cool

Who knew that fedex could be so cool? If you go to a fedex today you can print your resume up to 25 times for free! Whoo hoo! Add it to the list of free stuff and check it out here.

wordcloud of my work day

not to be confused with the wordcloud of my (every)day, I thought I would make a cloud of words which occur at my new work (not job)

Dead and Gone

So T.I.’s “Dead and Gone” has been in my head for about 20 days now and I think that it should be in your head too – and let me tell you why:

First of all – go here to listen to Dead and Gone by T.I.

I mostly don’t care about T.I.’s rap – I mostly care about the chorus and bridge that Justin Timberlake sings. (I have a man crush on J.T. – although not as much as this guy)

So Justin is singing about trying to find his way back home:

Oh! I’ve been traveling on this road too long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone.

Me too Justin! I do sort of feel homeless without a job – like in an existential sense. I have no purpose, no drive, I am floating – on this road too long! And I have been sorting feeling like the old me that use to work is dead and gone and I instead of looking back, I just gotta look forward.

Now the good part comes at the bridge:

I turn my head to the east, I don’t see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north,
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone,
But the new me will be alright.

So you see – I can’t find a job to the east or to the west or even to the north! But the good part is – that I just have to swallow my pride, work at a t-shirt store, and I am going to be all right. Thanks J.T.

That’s it. That is all I have to say. But next time you notemployeds and seminotemployeds are feeling a little low, try listening to “Dead and Gone” on repeat for about 4 hours. It works.

Who’s worse off than me?! part 2

It’s back! As I said last month, it is always good to take a step back and remember that there are people who are much worse off than you are.

Of course, last time friend-of-notemployed-blog Rihanna took the honors for her minor mishap with boyfriend Chris Brown. Now that rumors are swirling that she has now in fact tied the ol’ knot with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Rihanna Brown almost won again – but this weeks winner nudged ahead by having 8 babies and then making a complete fool of herself.

That’s right, congratulations OctoMom!

thanks TMZ

Look – it is fine to have babies I imagine. And having 8 is weird and yes raising 8 babies at once without a babiesdaddy to help would be hard and would qualify you to be worse off than me. But that is not what secured this honor for octomom.

No, what put this darling Angelina-Jolie-wanna-be mom over the top is the overwhelming number of PR mistakes she has made in the last 40 days that have turned her from America’s newest and cutest charity case into America’s most hated tax payer bailout of incompetence and self-centered misjudgement. Here are some of my favorites:

• On January 27th a Southern California hospital proudly proclaimed in front of major media outlets that they had helped birth 8 babies out of one woman. Everyone cheers. 3 days later the public learns that this woman already had 6 children (bringing her to 14), doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a partner, and is on welfare. Everyone tilts their head to the side, squints their eyes, and begins to judge.
• On Feb 3rd, Octomom’s first publicist appeared on Larry King Live calling the new mother a “wonderful woman.” “She’s smart, she’s bright, she’s articulate, she’s well educated. She is just a delight. And I can’t wait for the media to get to meet her.” Three days later, Octomom appeared on the Today Show on NBC and despite the desperate attempt to preempt her introduction, Octomom  pulled a Sarah Palin on Katie Couric and bombed. The next day many newspapers reported she had received over $160,000 in disability from the budget crunched State of California and questioned if she had used it to get plastic surgery to look more like Angie.
• As people decided it was time not to send diapers but hate mail, the media turned as well, reporting that Octomom was living with her mom who hadn’t paid the mortgage in 10 months on their 3 bedroom house for 17 people. Publicist 1 quits.
• Potential daddy (sperm donor) goes on Good Morning America and tearfully admits that Octomom asked him for sperm because she had cancer. She doesn’t.
• Octograndpa goes on Oprah and says that his daughter needs a mental evaluation because “she is not all there.” Publicist 2 quits.
• Octomom is offer $1,000,000 to made an “adult film” for Vivid Entertainment. One day later another porn company offers her one year of diapers if she DOESN’T make a porno.
• 911 tapes are released of prebirth-octomom calling emergency services because she couldn’t find one of her 6 kids. Turns out (while she is on the phone with the operator) that the kid was with grandma the whole time. Yelling ensues. It is all on tape.
• And just yesterday, publicist 3 quits calling Octomom “greedy” and “nuts.”

Oh it could go on and on and on and on. It is very sad, especially for the kids. But this is a sarcastic blog, not a tear-jerker, so let’s all raise our noses and peer downward as we award Octomom with this great honor.

But if you do feel bad because I just made fun of her for a long time, give her money on her website. Alternatively, you can give me money.

Am I dead?

no my friends. much worse. I am now seminotemployed.

I am working at a t-shirt shop for tourists in DC’s Union Station. I fold t-shirts and then I sell them at an exorbitant price to naive kids on school trips, Obama fanatics who couldn’t make it here for inauguration, and angry Republicans who despise the “Yes We Did” t-shirts for $19.99.

So the problem I have been having is how can I write this blog about being notemployed when I am only seminotemployed?

However, much like the reincarnated republican party, I have found the answer in the clear, no-nonsense rhetoric of Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee.

Last month in an interview with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos Chairman Steele was arguing that President Obama’s stimulus package didn’t create jobs, it created work:

“A job is something that a business owner creates. It’s going to be long term. What he’s [Obama's] creating” are projects that “have an end point.”

And there it is – the solution. I don’t have a job. If I had a job, I would be selling t-shirts for a long-term period of time. I have work – selling t-shirts will have an end point, right? RIGHT?

Right. Because if it doesn’t end then I will make it end and I really will be dead.

Needless to say, now that I have gotten this off my chest, post will resume at an increased frequency now peppered with the terrible stories I have at work, not job.